Imagine walking into a room and telling people ‘my business is sex’ because that is exactly what I do…. But what exactly is it that I do?

I think many of us understand the term of ‘coach’, which has become much more prominent over the last two decades as a profession. We have sports/exercise coaches, business coaches, money coaches, life and mindset coaches and of course my favourite ‘sex coaches’.

Sex coaches are not as widely known in the UK as they are across other parts of the world, with America and Canada being forefront of the profession. But that doesn’t make the work any less important, in fact I’m excited to be a part of the group of professionals working in the UK to make sex a topic we can all talk about.

What is a sex coaching exactly?

Let’s start with what it is NOT and that is therapy! They are two very different things therapy and coaching. Therapy is much more about diagnosis and treatment plans, usually helping people with disorders and long standing traumas that are affecting quality of life, and need deep healing.

Coaching is about looking towards the future, it is about transformation, empowerment, collaboration and is results driven. It is about what you are doing, thinking, how you communicate and feel

DOING

Doing = You might have had basic sex education at school, that included talk on periods, contraception, pregnancy. Then there is the education from pornography and what your friends/peers tell you. There is then trial and error with your partners. Is that all you need to know? Sorry, but no! There is much more to sex than you can imagine.

“Do you remember at school when we sat sniggering at the sex education video the teacher would put on? I do, because it was super embarrassing! Those videos told us nothing about how to enjoy sex or why my body was behaving like a hormone overloaded sex-addict”

Coaching is about helping you understand what you are ‘doing’ during sex. How to use all of the tools available to you, turning up the heat and getting things steaming.

THINKING

Thinking = We all have that little voice in us that is always talking (well I do), sometimes it is positive and sometimes it is negative. But it can’t tell you anything that you don’t already know, it just simply rewords the same information.

A lot about our own sexuality is built from our upbringing, social messages we receive and peers. So what are you telling yourself about sex? What is circling your thoughts? It might be sex positive, but for many of us, unfortunately, sex can make us feel fear and shame.

“I’ve always felt body conscious during sex, I suppose like every woman out there, there are parts of my body that I just don’t like. And when they get ‘touched’ during foreplay or sex the voice in my head would take over telling me he must think I’m gross. Finally having tools to stop me listening to that little voice so much has been amazing!”

Coaching is about supporting you to create a different story for yourself, realising where your origin story came from and rewriting it in a sex positive light.

COMMUNICATE

Communicate = This one is what I love to talk about when I’m at networking events or in more public places, because it is a topic that can be related to many other parts of our lives.

It is not just sex and relationships, you communicate with parents, family, friends and colleagues about all things.

How you talk to them, what you share etc. can make a difference to your relationship with them (better and worse). It is the same with sex talk, except we don’t like talking about that!

I’ve had people tell me that they’ve gone years without an orgasm because they didn’t know how to tell their partner. Or relationships that fall apart because one or the other of them could not explain their sexuality and needs to their partner.

“I went years in my relationship without receiving oral sex from my partner, always wondering if there was something wrong with me ‘down there’! I didn’t know how to bring it up with him. But through coaching, I realised that it was something I could talk about. Until that time I had not even thought about his view on it, and finally talking about it openly realised that he was unsure ‘how’ to do it, so instead thought it safe just not to try. WOW!”

Coaching is about teaching you ways to communicate with your partner, helping you create a safe and non-judgemental space. Great communication is an incredibly powerful tool to a healthy, positive and enjoyable sex life.

FEELING

Feel = This is similar to telling, we all have feels when it comes to sex. We can feel excited, pleasure, fear, shame, guilt, sometimes all of them swirling together. Understanding what we feel, and why that might be, can often be liberating. It can also put us on a path to change negative feelings to positives, which is even better.

“I always used to feel that sex was a responsibility, I enjoyed it when it happened, but it was something that would be initiated because I felt guilty constantly turning down my husband all the time. I never found the time to understand how I felt about sex, about why I tried to avoid it. After getting outside support, I realised we have different needs, how to support him and how he can support me. For the first time, I am enjoying sex for me, not just for him!”  

Coaching is aboutconnecting or re-connecting you to your sexual-self, we all have one. We all have many identities within us, that can be lost or repressed.

Sex Coaching is not one thing, it is many things all coming together around sex and relationships. It is education, support, advice. It is creating a safe, non-judgemental container for you to share, connect with your partner and learn.

But at the end of the day, it is about you! About creating your ideal sex life – whatever that might be! We only have a finite time on this amazing planet of ours, I say let’s make it the time of our lives! You need nothing more to start the journey that the willingness to learn more.

Where to next? Join me over in my Facebook Group where I chat regularly with my community.

Let’s connect!

Jessica Staniforth

I’m a huge believer that opening up conversation around sex, with our partners, friends, family and communities will lead to more fulfilling and healthy sexual relationships. With conversation comes understanding, growth and a feeling that we are not all alone! I also love reading reverse harem romances, eating lots of ice-cream and nights when I have a babysitter.

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