Feel like you no longer want sex?

When I first started my journey into sex education, sexology and coaching, one of the questions that came up from the start, and continues to come up time after time, is ‘Why don’t I want sex?’. The question comes in many forms, but it is one of the most common concerns raised, particularly by women.

Desire for sex has disappeared completely. Perhaps it has reduced so much that your partner has said something.

AND, it is not limited to those in long-term relationships. The waning desire for sex can happen at any age, at any point in life, in all genders, and in relationships that are months old to those decades long.

And for a sex educator like me, it is evidence of just how much we are lacking in understanding of sex and ourselves.

Lack of desire can be caused by so many things, so many things that are individual to you. Something that might affect your desire levels, won’t affect mine, and that goes for your partner too.

The good news! You can, if you want, do something about it. It is not an inevitable part of life that sex goes out the window. Because if it was, then pleasure would halt alongside it, and that is where I believe the main focus should always be. Perhaps ignoring the word sex, and replacing it with pleasure in our minds.

I focus on three things when I support my clients; (1) education, (2) our life-story and (3) communication. And you can do these three things yourself, just be open and honest with yourself.

At the end of the day, education is the most powerful tool we have. Knowledge truly is power. And when we were at school, they did not teach us anywhere near the information that we needed to have a pleasurable outlook on sex and intimacy. Even today our schooling system is missing chunks of valuation information, my own daughter has experienced this recently. So it is down to us to educate ourselves, and I hope in turn you will educate your children too (I’m passionate about sex positive parenting!) How do you do that?

1. Read a book – start with Emily Nagoski : Come as You Are
2. Listen to a podcast – even popular ones like Diary of a CEO has topics on sex (see Karen Gurney’s chat with Stephen Bartlett)
3. Join a Facebook group
4. Talk to a professional

This could be called your social narrative, your life-story so far, it is a culmination of everything you’ve experienced and learnt so far in life. By understanding, I mean that our stories are full of limiting beliefs. Generation after generation of Chinese whispers has meant some things are just accepted as truth, without thought. From our understanding of roles as women and mothers, to being caregivers, to men providing for family as their role in life. We see a stay at home dad and think it is strange. We force gender roles on our children without thought.

None of this understanding is our fault, the good news is we can change our narratives, evolve our stories into ones of pleasure and what we truly want, remove our limiting beliefs. Being true to ourselves is not easy, but it is rewarding.

So how do you make the change?

1. Ask yourself, honestly, what you want. And interestingly, you might be looking at your desires for sex and trying to improve them because you ‘should’ and it is perfectly okay if you won’t want sex, some people don’t, there are more ways to find pleasure.
2. Look at your past, did your parents treat you and siblings differently? Did you grow up with strict religion? Were you surrounded with stereotypes? How were you spoken to? What was your first sexual experience like?
3. Understanding who you are is a great way to establish who you want to be, what your true goals are. [Discover the True Sexual You – work with me]

The biggest changes in my life have always come from the times when I’ve communicated clearly what I want. There is no better way to move forward, to actually get the pleasures that you want, than asking for them. I know that is not simple. We live in a space where sharing a fantasy or desire with our partner brings feelings of fear and shame, trepidation and perhaps worries of the unknown response. So how do we go about communicating better?

Don’t go in directly – it feels like something we should not be advising. Direct communication has probably been drummed into you, like me, for years. Don’t beat around the bush. Tell me like it is. However, sex, pleasure, intimacy those subjects are full of emotions, they make us incredible vulnerable, and by taking a slightly in-direct route it will make it easier.

By in-direct I mean things like:

1. Plan the right time, be kid-free and somewhere private.
2. Avoid having a conversation moments after turning down sex with a partner, be active, not reactive.
3. Warn that a conversation is coming, ask a partner if you can discuss your sex life over dinner later.
4. Ask for more of what you like rather than criticising what a partner is doing wrong.

Desire and Pleasure Coaching can help you understand yourself, address your concerns and discover pleasure again. It is a personal delve into you, with support from someone who you can’t offend with language or views, who you can share deepest desires without consequences, and to guide you towards your goals. It is sex education, positively given, straightforwardly shared. So if you are thinking that you no longer want sex, perhaps there is something deeper going on, and perhaps talking about it is the answer.