One thing I’ve learnt over the years is that without focused time and effort nothing changes – that includes our sex lives!
There is a pretty high chance that there is room for improvement in your intimate relationship(s), and that often stems from how we don’t give it enough of our attention and avoid talking about it. Instead leaving it to chance, accepting it as it is, not looking towards something better.
Sex is a tricky and personal subject, which often creates feelings of shame, fear, danger that overtake the feelings of pleasure and happiness.
“Some couples are together years without even talking about sex, yet they have sex! However hard it is, being able to talk about their relationship and their sex life is what creates positive change to most couples.“
I’ve known women to fake orgasms for YEARS in relationships, because at the beginning they didn’t know how to talk to their partner, as the years went on, how could they tell them?!?
I’ve listened to people make assumptions of what their partner would and wouldn’t want, and then heard their partners say they wish they’d known.
I personally hid my masturbation habits from my husband for over a decade because I did not want him to feel unwanted.
The focus for change can be as simple as having a conversation
Except perhaps it is not so simple?
What will our partners think if we were to talk about a fantasy, how they would feel if we told them we disliked something they do, will they laugh or over-react, will you be criticised or rejected.
None of these worries are trivial. They are ingrained in us, our experiences have taught us that the topic of sex is fraught with danger.
So how can we make the conversations a a little bit easier?
There is no hard and fast rule, or one size fits all approach – sorry!
Sex might be universal, but how we act and feel about sex is completely individual. There is no-one like you, no-one like your partner and during any conversation with each other REMEMBER you know your couple dynamic the best.
I don’t have a script for you, however I can suggest a few ways that you can get started towards opening up the conversations, and what I would avoid as much as possible to keep things open.
Avoid ‘catching them off-guard’
The environment that you are in, the head-space that you are in, is important to be able to have a productive conversation. Catching a partner off-guard and delving straight into a conversation about sex is likely to have some whiplash coming your way.
Ask if you can have a conversation about your sex life and agree a time it will happen. That might be right now, it might not!
Avoid being critical
“Hi Hunny, just so you know sex has been crap lately and I never orgasm anymore”
Well that is definitely talking about your sex-life, however it is more likely to cause a shut-down and/or defensiveness than anything productive happening.
Instead of focusing on what has been bad, focus on what has been good (or great) and ask for more of that, crowd out the bad.
Avoid rushing things
We all communicate differently, and being accepting of how our partner shares and communicates back to us is important. That might mean sharing our thoughts and desires and stepping back to let them process (it could take minutes or hours).
Avoid the bedroom
As tempting as it is to talk about things in bed, with the lights off, it makes it all a little taboo, a conversation that perhaps should not be happening. When it absolutely should be.
I love taking my conversations outside. No phones, no chores to distract you and some fresh air.
Avoid the traditional
We have many ways to communicate at our fingertips these days. If you are struggling to start the conversations, then take advantage of the anonymity a phone can give you.
Message to ask if you can have a conversation.
(Although quick proviso here, remember that text you got one time that didn’t meant what you thought it meant? Make sure the message is clear and can’t be inferred to mean something else. I know grammar is often avoided, but try it in this message).
Conversation can be a great catalyst for change. Continued open conversation should always be a part of intimate relationships.
If you are struggling to speak to your partner, or would prefer to have support as you start the journey towards these changes, then let’s talk about how I can help you take the next steps.
