There is science to sex, yes real factual tested science that has been proven over and over again.
So when someone raises the concern with me that they seem to no longer want sex, or it has become hard to ‘get in the mood’ when for years they have been seemingly fine. The word ‘broken’ often comes into the conversation.
However, there is nothing broken about them, nor you if you’ve ever experienced time when you can’t ‘get it up’ metaphorically speaking.
We are surrounded by stories that make us believe this about ourselves. None of those stories are based on scientific knowledge, but patriarchal bullshit that has been passed down unquestioned for 100s of years. It is also based on the male perspective of sex, when we are not all from Mars.
The stories tell us that we ‘should‘ spontaneously want to have sex, all the time.
That simply deciding to have sex is enough. That having just one sexual stimuli is enough.
What you see all the time is just one form of desire, spontaneous desire.
The problem is caused because it is what we see ALL THE TIME. On TV, in books – we see just a small snippet of time and the players move from a delicious dinner to full-blown sex in the elevator. The women are always dripping wet and ready.
The consequence of this – a loop of destruction.
This is where science comes in. Science has proven, yes proven through decades of research – starting famously with Alfred Kinsey in 1940s, then William Masters and Virginia Johnson and more recently Rosemary Basson (and excitingly many more researchers today) – that spontaneous desire is NOT the only way, ‘RESPONSIVE’ desire is just as important, and more likely will resonate with you more.
Desire often needs attention, coaxing out, building up. I love responsive desire.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with either of these types of desire. They are both completely valid and healthy.
What is unhealthy is ignoring one or the other, and forcing yourself to be in a box that seriously does not fit just because Jill next door does it that way. You will flip between them during your life, and here is another important fact, so will your partner.
Sex is a science, and by looking at it this way I personally started to become more comfortable with experimenting, exploring and eventually evolving the sex I have, to something much more enjoyable, pleasurable and satisfying. It taught me, and I hope you will look at it this way, that there are no mistakes, but learnings.
So how do you use this science? What practical advice can I give you when thinking about the science of desire….
Well first asking yourself if you lean towards responsive or spontaneous desire more often is key. Can you ‘decide’ to have sex and enjoy it. Can you be quick to arousal and sex? Or are there lots of factors that need to be ‘just right’ for you to get between the sheets? Secondly, really importantly if you are in a partnership, where do you think they fit? Can you ask them? From here, you can start to think more about what gets you in the mood. What fun things tickle your fancy? What do you, YOU as an amazing individual, want and need.
But what I think the science of sex helps us with the most, is allows you to understand that sex is not a one size fits all model, it is as specific to you as your fingerprint, and you aren’t broken, never were, it is just a different experience than you were told (and taught) about.
