I’m a little bit sunburnt … today was a reminder that suncream is NOT just for holidays abroad! I find it so easy to forget when I am home in the UK, especially metres from my house! I’m at home, I have other things to think about.

This made me think about how we treat our homes and home life. We build routines, and those become a habit, the habit becomes something we do unconsciously day after day, year after year.

Unless something disrupts it!

Have you ever really looked at your home when you know that people are coming round in a few hours? How long has that pen mark been on the wall? When did I last dust? Is that a sock under the sofa? You really start to look and you realise just how much rubbish, dirt and general shite is everywhere! And likely it has been this way for weeks – I’m not even sure where my duster is anymore!

Where am I going with this, it does have a point….

To notice something that you’ve been ‘living with’ can take outside influence, a disruption to the normal habit or a painful result – when that happens it could be too late! Case and point – my sunburn.

Just like me forgetting suncream because we get very little sun around here, getting stuck in unconscious habits is damaging for your sex-life and relationships.

As we get more settled into our relationships, we simply get used to our partners being around. If they are always around, then we’ll just have sex tomorrow, no biggie – right?

Or it means that we stick with the same time of day, the same foreplay, the same position, the same conversation, the same dates, the same ending, the same orgasm inducing action, the same … you get my drift!

So how can we break the same old same old before it is too late? I’m not going to tell you that you simply need to try morning sex instead of evening, try doggy style tonight, mix up the foreplay. You can try that all, of course, but today what I want to suggest, is coming back to habit building.

Good habit building, putting new unconscious habits in place that will give positive results! These need to be a bit more often than a monthly date night to get them to stick with us.

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Morning goal setting

Are you a goal setter? I put my hands up that until this year I wasn’t either. If not, I recommend it, just listing everything that you want in life, naming it is proven to make it more achievable. If you are, well this one is easy for you. Add a sex/intimacy/connection goal to your list. If it is starring you in the face every morning, it will start to feel more achievable.

2. Listen more

Finding a podcast that you enjoy is a great way to get ideas and understand the world of sex and relationships in a really safe, confidential way. Put in your diary to listen to a podcast everyday for 10 minutes. You can do this while you are getting ready in the morning, on the way back from the school run or during your lunch break.

3. Read (particularly erotica)

Reading sexy stories is a great way to think more about sex, kindle have plenty of options for short stories on their kindle unlimited subscription, why not try one out. If you don’t like it, just delete and try another one.  A quick proviso here though, reader beware – remember that they are fiction! Made for entertainment, not as a resource or as a goal.

All three of these ideas are about making sex a more ‘normal’ part of your everyday life. Thinking about it, listening to it, reading about it…. It isn’t always about ‘doing it’!!

4. Sneaky additional one – my You & Sex Membership programme

Positive repetition and access to information is a great way to build habits, try new things and feel safe doing them. My membership programme, for women, will be doing just that. Regular sex talks, sex education, resources all that you can dip in and out of. I can’t wait to share more with you over the coming months, you can join my waitlist for launch here:

PS – if you need a little laugh/pick me up…. I realised that for the last 2 days of sunburnt treatment I have unwittingly been using tan prolonging aftersun. So I am now white, red and brown streaky, another lesson perhaps… read the instructions!

Let’s connect!

Jessica Staniforth

I’m a huge believer that opening up conversation around sex, with our partners, friends, family and communities will lead to more fulfilling and healthy sexual relationships. With conversation comes understanding, growth and a feeling that we are not all alone! I also love reading reverse harem romances, eating lots of ice-cream and nights when I have a babysitter.

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