I’ve been waiting for this for months… Not only do we all need some normality back, some structure, but we all need time apart…. You might not want to admit it out loud, but come on, you are with me, right?

So, now the kids are finally back at school, no longer constantly asking,  ‘What’s there to eat’, and setting off the fridge alarms; going to bed at reasonable hours, not going to appear back from an outing ‘at any time’.

“It would be so good to have sex again without the fear of interruption and being able to take my time again, no more quickies behind a locked door”.

BUT… relationships have been under pressure for months now, stress has been through the roof, and you might want space from your partner as much as your kids right now. So how do you get the sex groove back?

This is the perfect opportunity, as much as it might not look it, to actually build your sex-life into the one you really want.

Let’s do this…. here are some thoughts, not to be done all at once, but to start the process of building…

1. Take yourself down memory lane

One of the most important parts of any delve into sex is understanding yourself and where you’ve come from. Just because you are in a long-term relationship, doesn’t mean that you are exempt from old memories – good and bad.

Do you remember that one time…. WOW!

Taking yourself down memory lane is a great way to get yourself in the mood for sex, women particularly use their brains constantly during intimacy and it can really benefit us.

Think back to a really amazing sexual experience, and consider if can you recreate it?

  • Where were you? What was around you? What time of the day was it?
  • What were you wearing? What was your partner wearing?
  • What positions or toys did you include?
  • What happened before? How did your day pan-out?

2. Have a sex chat – It is time to strategise!

I can hear you right now… You’re saying this isn’t a game or a business deal, what do we need a strategy for? I’m not talking a 100 page plan or even writing it down. But planned sex (for me too) can be some of the more passionate and intimate sex you have. For one, the planning can build up the tension and excitement of what is to come! Together with your partner discuss:

  • Where does the journey start? Will it be a date night? How will you build intimacy and desire. Thinking about what turns you on, talk about that. It could be a bath run for you (consideration goes a long way), and a glass of wine to relax first. It could be your partner putting the kids to bed. It could be watching an erotic film together or starting with a partnered massage.
  • What do you want during sex. Do you want intimate slow love-making, or, hard punishing arse-slapping scream-worthy f*%king?

“I want to be able to scream again, I love letting myself go, my partner loves it too!”

  • What are the end goals? Orgasm isn’t the be-all and end-all of sex. The worst thing that can happen is having amazing sex, and toe-curling orgasm and then your partner snoring 5 seconds later – ending on a low!

3. Reacquaint yourself with your partner – physically!

This is actually an exercise in my repertoire of sex-tivities for clients. Following on from knowing your own body intimately, you need to know your partner’s body. Regardless if you’ve been together ‘ages’, our likes and desires change. Where we once enjoyed a firm touch to our clit, we now quite like in-direct stimulation, because it has become sensitive. Or maybe you’ve never asked your partner how they like to be touched, it happens. Men like different pressures and have sensitive places too!

So, get physical – but not with the aim of sex… WHAT?!?

Hear me out…. This activity is much better when your goal is to understand your partner, not to get off!

  • Take turns. If you try and touch at the same time it will become confusing and we need to be selfish every now and then.
  • Remember to use lube. You may not be aroused when you start the reacquainting, so protect your body until it has warmed up.
  • Encourage your partner to talk. It is likely that you will get one-word answers and grunts, so they might need a little encouragement along the way to really give you the important information.
  • Know that one of you needs to take the lead, and be accepting of that before you go into it. You might be encouraging your partner to talk, and then having to do all the talking without prompt – maybe they just don’t know how to talk freely, or maybe they use the old clichés out of habit (try not to let it turn you off, they’re feeling insecure/uninspired). That is okay, as long as the information is being passed back and forth.

Of course, this list is nowhere near exhausted, the most important thing, in my opinion, is that you are taking the time to do the work. And it can feel like work at the outset, but the more you explore and journey through your sexuality, the easier and more rewarding that it becomes.

If you want to keep in touch, hear more from me about sex, relationships, intimacy, desire and what I’m up to, then join my Facebook Group too!

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Jessica Staniforth

I’m a huge believer that opening up conversation around sex, with our partners, friends, family and communities will lead to more fulfilling and healthy sexual relationships. With conversation comes understanding, growth and a feeling that we are not all alone! I also love reading reverse harem romances, eating lots of ice-cream and nights when I have a babysitter.

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